The Art of the Voicemail

In all honesty, there is no art to it. Anger Continued: Part II

I call you expecting you to answer, Cell Phones improved the communication between the peoples of the society. Let's take use of that. In the event that I don't reach you, I have likely already listened to thirty seconds of an extended beep or a pop-hit song that you ignorantly believe won't grow old after my third time of calling you (yes, Otis Redding still applies - whistling directly into my ear doesn't make "Sittin' On The Dock of the Bay" a good 'Ringback Tone'). Now comes the real horror: I have to listen to your recorded voice either A) psych me out by responding "Hello" and "What's up?" which fooled me the first time but just royally pisses me off now or B) Respond with a chipper tone to your voice instructing me to leave a message after the beep and 'Have a Nice Day'... that would all be well and fine if THAT WERE THE END. IT NEVER IS! It sadly continues on because you mistakenly set up your voicemail in some hurried fashion, ruining my own experience. In this case, after your incessant rambling the operator takes the helm & continues to tell me exactly HOW to leave a message, just as you've already taken the opportunity to do.

So I've decided to help our societal dilemma by kindly directing you through the phone prompts to set up a Voicemail with a "Personal Greeting" thus eliminating the Operator and brightening my day!



As you can clearly see (perhaps not, grab your reading glasses if you haven't already). I've highlighted the only buttons you will need to press (this is solely for Verizon users, I am unsure if this applies to their competitors).

#1. Dial your Voicemail.
#2. Enter your PASSWORD: this is followed by the # sign (the bottom right button pictured above).

NOTE: If unexpectedly you are forced to listen to the voicemail's left by friends and/or family which instruct you to call them back (I know, Mom. When I have a missed call from you my natural reaction is to CALL YOU BACK) - sift through these (either delete or skip) and the following will occur.

#3. The operator will inform you that you have no new messages & welcome you to the Main Menu.
#4. Oddly enough, you will press FOUR to reach your PERSONAL OPTIONS.
#5. Press ONE to change your PERSONAL GREETING.

#6. Now, this is where things become problematic. The Operator gives you a Monty-Hall-esque selection to choose one of the three following options. She repeats, and I quote, "To select a standard greeting with your telephone number that will let the caller know you are unavailable PRESS ONE. To select a standard greeting with your name that will let the caller know you are unavailable, PRESS TWO. For a personal greeting, PRESS THREE!"

PRESS THREE, PRESS THREE DAMNIT!!