Statement Cookies

Fortune Cookies have become quite anomalous. Don't you think?

Naturally you order take-out Chinese Food and they throw in a few 'Fortune Cookies'. It typically doesn't matter if it's an American-owned restaurant or otherwise, as soon as you open that 'Fortune Cookie', they all have one thing in common. There's no fortune.

Case In Point:


I'm currently vying for the revision of the delectable Post-Orange Chicken dessert to be named the 'Statement Cookie'. Often it reads something like the 'Fortune' my sister got tonight, "You are very practical and analytical." This could easily be followed up with an authentic fortune, "This will become evident tomorrow when you involve yourself in a thorough debate pertaining to how grounded you are or aren't but ultimately leave that to be decided by your peers." But it never is... the very worst is when it's simply a command, "Giggle!"... What the hell?

In the end we are left with an ultimatum:

Change it to "Statement Cookie" or start printing real fortunes on the damn piece of paper!

I Write A Web Log

There's a certain history behind the word "BLOG" that not everyone is aware of. It is a hybrid of the two words WEB+LOG. Lazy bastards then abbreviated the word to BLOG... shortening a formerly 6 letter word... to 4 letters... 2 letters less. This is a lesson in english as well as math.

Now it's a given that the word Blog will be recanted in the future and you will find it's use extinct.

Why? WHY? Because when someone says BLOG... The first thought that enters your mind is likely the 1958 horror film.



If not that, perhaps the remake of the flick in 1988. Either way it's a B-rated independent horror film.

The Blob serves as a blemish on the filmography of many of today's Greats. Steve McQueen was the headliner of the original. The remake served as one of Frank Darabont's first big screenwriting credits and if you really want to make a stretch you might include Kevin Dillon and call to the conversation his future success with the HBO television show Entourage. Nonetheless, The Blob was not the stepping stone for the actors and/or writers (maybe Kevin Dillon).

So are we equally safe in assuming we may see future stars' past include a Blog or two? Well there's the recently praised Diablo Cody - though most will mention her films and memoir before the Blog. Time will tell, but for now, I refuse to be a "blogger" or the author of a 'blog'. If anything, you can reference the LOG I keep.

The Cookie Cutters

What a SHAM the 1950's were. Even the early 1960's.

Do your homework. I was just thinking of a plot I'd created a few years back based in the early 60's. It's a great period in our nation's history given the substantial amounts of political and social struggle that happened. But naturally with any period-piece you want to choose music that is from the decade... YOU CAN'T. Not with the 1960's! Everything was this Cookie Cutter doowop, crooning "Our pastelle-clad Wives & Children are grinning as they stand in the dog-shit-adorned front lawn".

Why didn't anyone see the opportunity to market to the depressive or the drunkards. Sure, you have Little Richard: Troubadour to the Gay's. Or Billie Holiday singing Strange Fruit... but other than that you don't see any seriously beaten and dispirited music until 67/68. What was wrong with our Country?! Why did it take an assassination and an anti-war movement to get the ball rolling on the somber recordings?

Now if you want to make a film about the decade you have to take the Tarantino route & have the characters dance & dance to something upbeat while you watch the sinister acts unravel - which may actually just make it seem that much more menacing.

Florida Keys Lime Pie

FLORIDA KEYS.



KEY LIME PIE.

FLORIDA KEY LIME PIE RESTAURANT. I CAN SEE IT NOW.

The Art of the Voicemail

In all honesty, there is no art to it. Anger Continued: Part II

I call you expecting you to answer, Cell Phones improved the communication between the peoples of the society. Let's take use of that. In the event that I don't reach you, I have likely already listened to thirty seconds of an extended beep or a pop-hit song that you ignorantly believe won't grow old after my third time of calling you (yes, Otis Redding still applies - whistling directly into my ear doesn't make "Sittin' On The Dock of the Bay" a good 'Ringback Tone'). Now comes the real horror: I have to listen to your recorded voice either A) psych me out by responding "Hello" and "What's up?" which fooled me the first time but just royally pisses me off now or B) Respond with a chipper tone to your voice instructing me to leave a message after the beep and 'Have a Nice Day'... that would all be well and fine if THAT WERE THE END. IT NEVER IS! It sadly continues on because you mistakenly set up your voicemail in some hurried fashion, ruining my own experience. In this case, after your incessant rambling the operator takes the helm & continues to tell me exactly HOW to leave a message, just as you've already taken the opportunity to do.

So I've decided to help our societal dilemma by kindly directing you through the phone prompts to set up a Voicemail with a "Personal Greeting" thus eliminating the Operator and brightening my day!



As you can clearly see (perhaps not, grab your reading glasses if you haven't already). I've highlighted the only buttons you will need to press (this is solely for Verizon users, I am unsure if this applies to their competitors).

#1. Dial your Voicemail.
#2. Enter your PASSWORD: this is followed by the # sign (the bottom right button pictured above).

NOTE: If unexpectedly you are forced to listen to the voicemail's left by friends and/or family which instruct you to call them back (I know, Mom. When I have a missed call from you my natural reaction is to CALL YOU BACK) - sift through these (either delete or skip) and the following will occur.

#3. The operator will inform you that you have no new messages & welcome you to the Main Menu.
#4. Oddly enough, you will press FOUR to reach your PERSONAL OPTIONS.
#5. Press ONE to change your PERSONAL GREETING.

#6. Now, this is where things become problematic. The Operator gives you a Monty-Hall-esque selection to choose one of the three following options. She repeats, and I quote, "To select a standard greeting with your telephone number that will let the caller know you are unavailable PRESS ONE. To select a standard greeting with your name that will let the caller know you are unavailable, PRESS TWO. For a personal greeting, PRESS THREE!"

PRESS THREE, PRESS THREE DAMNIT!!

Dustin Hoffman

Has Dustin Hoffman ever made a bad movie? Think about it.

I did some investigative reporting and found out that his lowest rated film through a few respectable circles is SPHERE circa 1998. Now I was obviously alive in 1998, and I'm interested in film, and I've never heard of SPHERE. Argo, Sphere doesn't exist - now if you continue to mark off the films Dustin Hoffman has done that I'm not aware of, his lowest rated film by the Rotten Tomatoes standards is Hook, (at an astounding 22%) a fun-filled family action adventure where Robin Williams plays a grown version of Peter Pan opposite Mr. Hoffman as the fictional Captain Hook (hence the title). It may very well be I haven't seen Hook since I was a mere 5 years old, however, this was a classic in the mind of a 5 year old film prodigy and is thus a "fresh tomato" in my book.

Moving forward on a list of the actor's filmography, I don't see one starring Dustin Hoffman that doesn't have or deserve a fresh tomato.

Conclusion: Dustin Hoffman has never made a bad movie.

The Negative Connotation of Water

At a time when I should be writing a paper for my ethics class, I am thinking of water. I just brushed my teeth before bed, a good 5 minutes as I multitasked filling a water bottle full of H2O as I was sure I would be up for awhile longer and it occured to me - water, in and of itself - unflavored and non caffeinated, has a negative connotation in today's society.

I went to the dentist two or three weeks ago and it was revealed to me that I have a cavity... ugh, cavities. Really, too many to name to reveal to the five readers I personally know and the internet readers which I'll never meet but am nonetheless embarrassed. See I like to think I have a generally nice smile... maybe not the best but proportionate in physical terms considering how good the rest of me looks. Joking aside, once I was told of the cavities I decided to drop drinking POP on a dime. I started to drink Diet Green Tea and Water...

It wasn't until the moment when I was brushing my teeth with one hand and filling a water bottle with the other that I realized - had no one ever told me of my cavities, the mind set I used to have would have gone for a Mountain Dew (being sure I would be up for awhile longer) because, very simply put, water is boring. How or when this came into effect is beyond me (with the ancient creation of coffee and our recent innovation of "pop", it's hard to distinguish any timeline to mark a dot with a caption reading, "YEAR X: WATER BECAME BORING".

I even find myself drinking Diet Green Tea more than water simply because of a small taste difference that society explains to you very early on makes a substantial difference.

So screw customs, screw homegrown traditions involving diet, and teach your kids to eat and drink healthy, they can screw up their health once they're old enough to know what endodontic therapy is.